Supporting Your Piano Pathway
Reflection by Andrew Eales
If you have ever felt ignored, passed over, or overlooked, these profound words by the Daoist writer Deng Ming-Dao (from his popular classic 365 Tao Daily Meditations,206 (Harper Collins, 1992) will perhaps resonate with you:
“Help others for all the times that you have been ignored;
Be kind to others, for all the times that you have been scorned.”
These are powerful sentiments, which point towards a wholeness which can be ours if only we respond to life’s disappointments and hurts with wisdom and generosity.
It can seem counterintuitive to be kind when we are scorned, and to help others when we ourselves have been ignored. Shouldn’t we fight back, hold our ground, pursue our own agenda, and put ourselves first?
And yet it is within our nature to have empathy; if we ignore the impulse to do good, we diminish our own humanity. Having been scorned we know what it is to be scorned. Having been ignored we know what it is to be ignored. Surely we will want to spare others such pain.
Deng Ming-Dao isn’t suggesting we be kind to the very same people who have slighted us. We should set clear boundaries, and not leave ourselves vulnerable to the same recurring toxicity and humiliation.
Rather, he highlights our continuing commitment to show kindness in general, and to all who need it, so moving on from self-pity. Our generosity to others should neither be a veiled mechanism for settling scores, nor an excuse for self-promotion.
Forgive and Forget?
We all experience times when things don’t go our way. It would be odd were this not the case, and detrimental to our personal development and growth.
Certainly when we feel hurt we must forgive, if only to protect ourselves from the anger, disappointment and bitterness that do us more harm than anyone else. When a relationship has been knocked off balance, regardless of the reasons or blame, it can also take patience to wait for more auspicious circumstances so that balance can properly be restored.
Better, sometimes, to smile and walk away, forgetting those who would do us harm; to follow the example of the great sage Laozi; to withdraw. Not only does this allow us to maintain our own integrity, it negates the influence of those who may seek to diminish us.
And if, in the future, there is a renewed opportunity for friendship, it will be our commitment to forgive, forget, and move on from the past which enables us to foster reconciliation.
Giving Back
I am often asked why I devote so many hours every week to writing this site, offering free help to pianists and teachers around the world, rather than simply cashing in on my expertise. I often point out that I make a reasonable living as a busy piano teacher, and I am not especially ambitious.
But perhaps my desire to give freely here is also my personal answer to those times when I, too, have felt overlooked by a piano establishment in which (in part due to my neurodiversity) I may sometimes have been considered, and assumed the role, of an “outsider”.
I am of course grateful too for the enormous good fortune I have experienced, and the generosity of others towards me. Though rather deliberately maintaining some independence, I have experienced respect from my peers, warmth, and plenty of opportunity.
I believe it is right to give back to a community in which there is so much to celebrate and to share. But it seems to me that a positive outlook can only be possible if we are willing to let go of the times when we felt ignored or scorned, and focus instead on helping others.
As piano players as in life, we experience times of disappointment, when we perhaps perceive ourselves wronged, or are even told, “you lose”. But the truth is, at such times we stand on the threshold of personal growth, accelerated opportunity, and the chance to truly triumph in life.
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